• Mon, Jun 21 2010

Crushable Confessional: ‘You Have The Body Of A 12-Year-Old Boy.’ Seriously? FAIL.

You know the feeling. You’re sitting there, talking to a guy, and all of a sudden he inflicts a dig so harsh it takes you by complete surprise.

Happened to me, just last week: Some Billy Zane lookalike interrupted an otherwise pleasant conversation to ask, point blank, “Have you had any work done?” Shocked, I replied: “Do I LOOK like I’ve had any work done?” I point out the bump in my nose and A-minus cup, not that singling out such non-plastic evidence was remotely necessary. Still, I was curious — such a random question. His response: “I love your body. You have the body of a 12-year-old boy.”

WHAT. Maybe I walked into that one. Still. Even if that were true, YOU DON’T SAY IT, MORON. Also, creepy.

After that, I cut things short and left to go to a party. But not before he invited me back to his “terrace” for a “bottle of wine.” When I declined he goes, “You only scheduled me for 30 minutes?”

Oh, Billy! You read The Game!

We all know The Game, and we’re on watch to avoid guys who have either A) read it or B) unwittingly subscribe to its theories of male manipulation of females in order to get laid. The book, written by Neil Strauss, became a sensation as one of the first dating manuals for clueless men who had trouble picking up women.  It espoused a guaranteed-to-work strategy of wooing, and introduced the art of “The Neg,” otherwise known as an insult designed to feed on a target’s insecurities (and, in turn, make her want to get with you to prove that she can).

Because all women are such sad, pathetic creatures, right?

Who knows whether Billy Zane was being a jerk or trying to use his awesome skillz of seduction — it if was the latter, here’s my advice to men: Girls like it when guys are nice to them. Banter is fine, but insults? Epically lame. Most of us ladies will roll our eyes, walk away and laugh about you with friends afterward. Plus, telling a person she has “the body of a 12-year-old boy” will only make her think you are a pedo.

Here’s some of other favorite negs I’ve received over the years, from random guys on the street: “You need bigger boobs.” “You need a tan.” “You don’t look smart.” And when I dared bring home a greasy dinner of Big Mac and fries, some bros with Bieber hair joked, “Nice McDonald’s. Heh heh.”

FAIL.

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