Danielle Staub’s dirty video is being savaged by critics––and it doesn’t even come out until Monday. The hour-plus tape features the 47-year-old Real Housewife of New Jersey and a beefy, unknown partner. Ever since the first clips and stills hit the web this week, the mother of two has been torn to shreds.
The Daily Beast put the tape in their slideshow of “Sex Tapes We Never Wanted to See,” alongside Vince Neil‘s Hawaiian threesome and Tonya Harding‘s wedding night. TMZ, the website that revealed the first graphic preview pictures, warned its readers, “You are now faced with a decision, because you can’t unsee this stuff.”
Most of the horror has to do with Danielle’s appearance. The reality TV villainess is famous for her leathery, frowny mug, and no one wanted to see what was under her Juicy Couture track suit.
“God, this woman looks like beef jerky,” wrote Celebitchy. “Truly horrific,” wrote Perez Hilton. An E! Online poll asked if readers would watch the tape and provided answers such as, “Why not? I watch ‘River Monsters.’”
No stranger to plastic surgery, Danielle sports a bosom fit for the Bride of Frankenstein. Her breasts are so firm that, according to DListed’s Michael K, “if you paint them gray, pour water around them and then throw some koi fish in there, her chest would make a soothing backyard feature.”
Her video could be “evidence in a trial against her plastic surgeon,” wrote the blog What Would Tyler Durden Do. “Either that or she bought her implants at the outlet mall.”
The footage is “as hot as catching granny in the shower,” wrote Egotastic! It will be officially released by Hustler, but according to Tim Goodman of the San Francisco Chronicle, “If you know who Staub is, you may be wondering how Hustler is going to sell it.”
Danielle has made things worse for herself by telling reporters that she hopes to outsell ex-Playboy playmate Kendra Wilkinson’s sex video. “I haven’t seen hers. I haven’t seen mine, either,” she said Thursday, “but … if it’s going to do anything, I would hope it does better.”
Responding to the news, The Blemish wrote, “In short, Danielle Staub, who looks like her breasts were put together by a five-year-old, will outsell former Playmate Kendra Wilkinson, who shot her sex tape when she was barely legal. Yeah, that’s definitely going to happen. Here’s a few more things that are going to happen: dinosaurs will once again roam the Earth and Lindsay Lohan will become sober.”
A Hollywood Life online poll comparing the two videos had awarded Kendra 88% of the vote as of Friday afternoon.
Even those critics who are above sniping at Danielle’s looks or comparing her to Kendra can find something to hate. “The scenes depicted in the tape’s trailer make it seem like a low-budget Cinemax movie with bad acting and attempts at arty camera angles,” wrote Jezebel. At Salon, Mary Elizabeth Williams denounced Danielle’s mix of exhibitionism and faux-contrition, saying she “brings narcissism to a new low.”
But, in the end, the critics are not the audience. And, as the old saying goes, one man’s trash is another man’s … titillation? At the porn-centric blog Fleshbot, responses have been almost universally positive.
Wrote one commenter: “Damn, she is lookin f.i.n.e.! She can straddle me anytime.” Wrote another, “Don’t like the implants but she does a good job.”
Translation: Danielle gets an A for effort.