• Fri, May 28 2010

‘Real Housewives’ Doll Recap: ‘They Kicked Me Out!’

The Real Housewives are still reeling from Kelly Bensimon‘s nervous breakdown — or breakthrough, as she spins it. And Jill Zarin gets iced out, in more ways than one.

After Kelly unleashed the crazy in the Virgin Islands compound (or the 10th circle of Housewives Hell) — accusing Bethenny Frankel of trying to kill her and Alex McCord of channeling a vampire! — producers did the right thing and booked her an impromptu flight back to New York. She wrote vacay host Ramona Singer a note, and then she was gone. Ramona, Bethenny, Alex and Sonja Morgan were now free to relax on their final day in St. John. But no! Who shows up but Evil Jill, who had been invited but declined because of the awkwardness between her and Bethenny; desperado to reconnect with prego Bethenny, Jill shows up unannounced while the ladies are getting pedicures. THE NERVE.

Ramona fumed. Alex convulsed. Bethenny did not remove her sunglasses. They said nothing. Jill was all “Hey everybody!” acting all BFF with Bethenny and Alex, who hates her guts with the fire of a thousand suns. “I’m in shock,” Ramona told Jill. “I’ve never been speechless — I’m speechless.”

So Ramona kicked out Jill and Bobby Zarin of the house — yeah, Jill brought cuddly Bobby as a secret weapon to ease the tension, but that didn’t work and soon the Zarins were on a flight to St. Bart’s, away from the mean girls. Ramona is nutso but she was right on one point: “Jill is too self-absorbed to see the elephant in the room.”

It’s hilarious that Jill would think the women would be happy to see her — does she not recall feuding with Alex and cutting Bethenny out of her life forever? CRASHING THE PARTY WAS NOT A GOOD IDEA. Jill Zarin, meet Karma. She’s a little B.

Back in New York, Jill shared her humiliation at lunch with Countess LuAnn, Jennifer Gilbert and Kelly, who immediately began bashing Bethenny: “Not one person I know has hired her as a caterer.” Then she one-upped Jill’s story with her incoherent tale of breaking down on “Poison Island” — and how she ate jelly beans and called Bethenny a “ho-bag.” Brilliantly, she added: “I like candy.”

Kelly’s bizarro behavior was the center of discussion at Sonja’s naked (JK!) art party at her bachelorette pad. Describing the St John’s meltdown, Bethenny told Countess it was “terror on the high seas, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.” Countess said Kelly was “out of it” at lunch earlier that day. Then an opera singer performed, and Sonja seal-clapped like Paula Abdul.

THEN Jill had a skating-themed holiday party at an ice rink! With support from her sister, Jill — still desperado for Bethenny’s love — gathered the nerve to call her nemesis, who agreed to meet her one on one the next day. Then Ramona arrived with her hair pulled high atop her head in a hideous black scrunchie; Kelly, was also there, picked another fight with Ramona but then they made up because the only way to get Kelly off your back, Ramona has learned, is to be nice and walk away quietly. Then Ramona made up with Jill, who would rather spread “peace and harmony” than be a social pariah.

Then Jill displayed her moves on the ice and fell SPLAT ON HER ARSE. Everyone laughed. And Jill got right back up again, because she is Jill Zarin and nothing gets in her way.

Watch our Barbie actors recreate last night’s most memorable scenes. If ya’ll were wondering, Jennifer doesn’t get a doll until she does something freaky.

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