• Fri, May 21 2010

‘Real Housewives’ Doll Recap: ‘I’m Afraid Bethenny Is Going To Kill Me!’

We’ve already recapped Kelly’s craziest lines, but the full extent of her nervous breakdown needs to be seen to be believed. Thursday’s episode was so good, Crushable’s Housewives dolls were not sure how they could live up to the challenge of re-enacting it! But they tried, because they are troopers, those crazies.

A brief summary of the Night That Kelly Snapped (And Nearly Opened Fire): Remember last week when they were in the Virgin Islands on Ramona Singer’s bachelorette weekend to celebrate her and Mario’s vow renewal. Well, they’re still there! But this time, they get off the boat and move in to luxurious villa, the perfect location for a vacation-themed horror movie. Kelly starts gunning for Bethenny Frankel, undermining her authority as chef and published author. “You’re not a chef, you’re a cook!” she says. Bethenny tells her to stop the fucking bullshit. Kelly’s response: “I live in Disneyland. … Satchels of gold.”

WTF is right.

Then Kelly runs to her room and sobs on the phone to Jill Zarin, who’s in New York. “I’m alone on scary island with no friends!!” she wails. “I’ve had nightmares for the past week of (Bethenny) stabbing me. … She has knives on her tongue!”

WTF indeed.

Next morning, Kelly brings outs a “pad of complaints” that people can bitch on, and rumple up the papers and throw them in the garbage (much like her emotions). She tries to be nice and asks if she can take pictures of the women since she’s into photography; when she shoots Alex McCord walking on the beach, she snipes that Alex is “marching with venom” and demands she put her prominent chin down to minimize it. Alex was scared: “She told me last week I was channeling the devil!”

Meanwhile back in Manhattan, Jill tells Countess LuAnn de Lesseps over dinner that she wants to surprise Kelly at the villa on her way to St. Barts. Countess says: Not a good idea!

Things turn uglier back at the Villa of Hell: Kelly gets a phone call from her daughter Sea, and Ramona tells her to quiet down since she’s talking too loud. Kelly tells Ramona to LAY OFF. Then dinner is served courtesy of Bethenny and Kelly refuses to sit next to the faux chef because she’s “psychotic.” Then Kelly’s steak is raw and Bethenny has to put it back on the stove; she’s like, “whatevs.” Kelly, seething with barely concealed resentment, makes digs at Bethenny; all of a sudden, Ramona decides now is the right time to apologize to B for making her cry on the Brooklyn bridge. She sits on B’s lap and Kelly gets even nastier, saying: “Are you gonna make out with the tongue?”

Then she tells Ramona to ZIP IT, awaking the fiery beast inside the scrappy skin-care pioneer. “You need a time out!!” she screams at Kelly. Then she, Bethenny and Alex go make fun of Kelly in the other room. They high-five each other because, as it turns out, B was right about K all this time.

“You have so much pent-up anger and anxiety,” Kelly tells Alex. “I want you to be beautiful.” Then comes the money quote: “I’m afraid Bethenny is going to kill me! She’s tried to kill me before.”

Then she calls Alex a white-faced vampire with black eyes. Alex responds that she was afraid of getting her picture taken earlier that day because she didn’t know what Kelly was gonna do (open fire?). Sonja Morgan, also on the trip, tries to bring Kelly back down to earth: “You are, like, weird.”

To no avail: With everyone back at the dinner table, Kelly accuses Bethenny of planting lies about her in the tabloids and remarks, “Why would you attack my friend Gwyneth?” Bethenny says she’s not feeding the gossip columns with Kelly Bensimon dirt. Then Kelly runs off like a child having a temper tantrum and returns with jellybeans and lollipops.

SHE FURTHER DESCENDS  INTO MADNESS.

“I feel like you’re trying to kill me,” she reveals to Bethenny. “I threw up the night before I came.” Bethenny explodes: “GO TO BED! YOU’RE CRAZY!!”

Mother hen Sonja steps in. She says they need to protect Kelly because she’s a crazy person. A horrified Bethenny agrees: “We gotta, like, cool it.” Then Kelly sucks her thumb and it’s all good.

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