When the curtain falls on Lost this Sunday, what will happen to The Smoke Monster? Will the smoke clear forever on his career? So sad. He had a good run. But wait! There is life after Lost, if you believe. Here’s some advice for Smokey on how he can escape the island and move on with his career without being pigeonholed. (Good luck shaking Locke, Terry O’Quinn!)
1. Branch into movies. The Smoke Monster could portray the treacherous cloud of volcanic ash that billowed out over Iceland in a blockbuster film starring Alexander Skarsgard and Bjork. A possible spin-off for Lifetime Television: Stranded In Cannes: The Story Of Lindsay Lohan’s Escape From The Ash.
2. Provide services for rock stars. Witnessing Smokey’s talents in person is remarkable (I mean, J.J. Abrams doesn’t just hire anyone). So a live venue would be the best place to showcase his skillz to a mass audience. Like an Adam Lambert concert, where he’d reach our mom and her friends. Or a Broadway adaptation of This Is Spinal Tap, starring Constantine Maroulis.
3. Get into the theme-park business. Wouldn’t he be a really scary-ass ride at Six Flags?
4. Shoot a calendar. He could be “staged fog” in Ireland: The Emerald Isle calendars for 2011. How misty and folkloric! Those shoots are early — they like a Thomas Kinkade feel — so he’ll need coffee and full craft services to feel energized. Because if he gets pissed, he’ll wipe out the countryside.
5. CIA assassin. Talk about a secret weapon. Watch out, Osama!
6. Dabble in reality TV. More and more celebrities are trying to play themselves on shows like The Apprentice, so why not The Smoke Monster? He should definitely get his agent to push Celebrity Big Brother. I want to see him clobber Spencer Pratt or someone of his ilk.
7. Be a judge of something. Like Iron Chef America, where his food-sucking would be a litmus test for which chef’s fare is more delicious. Can’t you just hear Alton Brown? “Smokey went straight for Morimoto!!!”
8. Write a memoir. Everyone famous has to “write” a book — that’s a given. So Smokey should hire a ghostwriter to pen a tell-all about his adventures on Lost. He could promote the book on the Today show, and drop hints about who was the biggest douche on the Hawaii set. Cough, Matthew Fox, cough.