Adjectives associated with last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New York City: hilarious, jaw-dropping, tense, shocking, Kelly-centric! The ladies went to the Virgin Islands for Ramona Singer’s “renewal” bachelorette extravaganza, and the tropical heatwaves made Kelly Bensimon insane; we all knew she was loopy, but ho! She finally cracked and went apeshit on Ramona’s boat and no one could escape her.
Poor Sonja Morgan — one of the new-New York Housewives — got her first major dose of Kelly’s bizarre behavior while the group was lunching in paradise (or was it HELL?). Ramona — who lurves her Pinot Grigio — was asking for a refill, and Bethenny joked that they should find some grapes and go stomp on them. Kelly got pissed: “Don’t stomp on grapes. Those are FOOD!” Um, it’s a joke? When the conversation turned to no-show Jill Zarin — mortal enemy of Bethenny and Alex McCord, who also went on the girls’ vacay — things turned ugly. Getting crazier by the millisecond, Kelly said she didn’t want to talk smack about anyone — meaning Jill — and then mixed up her metaphors, accusing the women of “making lemons into lemonade.” YES. Bethenny started cracking up and Kelly, furious as a grown 12-year-old, got up to leave and WALKED INTO A GLASS WINDOW. The Housewives gods were shining on us/producers.
“I’m not into the bitchy, sorority stuff,” she barked. “I’m going back to my LaLa-Land with cartwheels and nice people who are genuine and kind, and you can go back to your banter and your vile behavior!!!!”
Ramona, Bethenny, Alex and Sonja continued their lunch. When a child throws a tantrum, it’s best not to encourage her! Later that night, Kelly and Bethenny later peed themselves laughing over Kelly’s diva fit. “It was a gift from Jesus to make me laugh,” Bethenny said. “There’s no way that broad went to college. She didn’t go to Mickey Mouse University!!”
Meanwhile, back in New York, Countess LuAnn de Lesseps went on a date with a creepy, guppy-lipped author named Court Something-Or-Other. We don’t remember his name because we were so disturbed by his weird wheezing laugh — which sounds like a cat coughing up a hair ball — and the way he attached his guppy lips to Countess, who seemed to be having a good time! Ick. Countess also recorded her vocal masterpiece “Money Can’t Buy You Class,” which should be renamed “Money Can Buy You Auto-Tune.”
Back on the boat: Sonja, a freewheeling, laissez-faire divorcee, tried in vain to persuade Kelly to have a one-night stand. Kelly said no way, she has intregrity! Then Sonja started crying and talking about her feelings, which makes Kelly uncomfortable. “This whole feelings thing? It’s like 1979!” she said, to which Sonja responded out of left field — bad editing? — that she thinks Bethenny is a strong woman. Kelly, who earlier told Bethenny that she’s not the only one to have had a crappy childhood (hence, she’s not special), then launched into a rant directed at — who else? — Bethenny, whose estranged father had just died.
Kelly hurled insult after insult: “Nobody cares about you!” “You’re not a chef, you’re a cook! It’s creepy.” “You’re a media whore! You are manipulative, vindictive and cunning.”
Bethenny rolled her eyes, told Kelly she’s the dumbest person she knows and left to go find Ramona who was chugging Pinot on a boat next door owned by some guy who runs Hooters. Renowned for her quippy one-liners, Bethenny sniped: “ADIOS, LUNATIC.” Then Kelly followed her on the Hooter guy’s boat, and Ramona got in Kelly’s face and ordered her STOP picking fights. AND CUT. Apparently on next week’s episode, Kelly thinks Bethenny is trying to kill her. HA.
Watch Crushable Barbies recreate last night’s most memorable scenes!! We think the ladies should leave New York more often, because this one was fun to direct!