• Fri, Apr 30 2010

‘Real Housewives’ Doll Recap: ‘I Am The Messenger’

Oh, how the tides have turned! Jill Zarin got a dose of her own Mean Girl medicine on last night’s Real Housewives and — guess what? — Alex “I’m Friends With Everyone” McCord was the one cussing her out! We were on the edge of our seats, because Alex doesn’t normally go for the jugular.

Was anyone else surprised by that?

Notwithstanding a few cameo appearances by the extremely sane Sonja Morgan, the entire episode centered around the dramatic fallout of the news that Bethenny Frankel was three-months pregnant. Somehow Perez Hilton got wind and posted something! Bethenny pretended she was pissed about the unwanted attention (“That MF,” she called Perez!). Her beau Jason (as portrayed in our gallery by a lint roller) actually became angry because Perez found out about her pregnancy before his parents did! “This is the price of being with someone in the public eye,” Bethenny sagely observed.

The news spread like wildfire across the blogosphere and eventually reached the other Housewives. Jill got a Google alert! So she called her BFF-in-crime Countess de Lesseps, and Jill worried about Bethenny going public so soon. Countess said Bethenny blocked her from Twitter, so she had no idea.

Cut to Bethenny and Alex talking on their Blackberries: Bethenny complained about getting an email from Jill advising her not to talk to the press “for the sake of the kids.” WHAT. (Seriously, Jill, you HATE Bethenny – now you’re going to pass along faux-sincere underming advice?). Alex had the same thought, so she hatched a plan to deliver a stern message from Bethenny to Jill the launch party for Ramona Singer’s skincare line.

“There was no thinking,” she said, her eyes glinting with Satanic glee. “I was just, like, yes, I’ll do this. … The fire is in me!”

It was a shitshow. First to enter the soiree was Jill- a Tazmanian Devil of rage and status anxiety — and, naturally, she took it upon herself to publicly mock Ramona’s marketing pictures on her skincare products. “This is not her face!! They photoshopped the FUCK out of her. … What am I gonna eat??”

Jill never found food — instead, she found herself in the middle of her worst nightmare: Alex arrived with a “statement” via Bethenny, thus as follows: “YOU AND SHE ARE DONE, AND SHE NEVER WANTS TO SEE YOU EVER AGAIN OR TALK TO YOU.” All the while, Ramona and husband Mario Singer, the Countess and Kelly Bensimon and Alex’s partner Simon, stood by and watched.

Jill’s face fell in shock! “Wow, that was mean,” she said, and Kelly just kept repeating, “Creepy!!” What a bitch, Jill moaned, I will never forgive her for this!

Jill walked out trailed by Kelly and Countess, and cried her eyes out. Later when Alex recapped the showdown to Bethenny, she said she had her own issues with Jill that she needed to hash out. Princess Bethenny was extremely pleased: “She borrowed my balls for the night!”

Don’t shoot the messenger, Jill. Check out our Housewives dolls’ interpretation of the craziness, and let us know what you think!

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