[Update: This post is old, read more recent news about relationships here!]
We are still peeved by CollegeHumor’s grand plan for a reality TV series called “Married By 30″ that would exploit the desperation of women in their late ’20s to settle down and get married — or else, according to society — they might never have the chance. Oh, the horror! Spinsters, they are!
Anyways, the gals over at the Frisky have a great post on the 30 Things Every Woman Should Quit Doing By Age 30. Inspired — and still pissed off at CollegeHumor — we reversed it to focus on the boys.
How about a reality show called “Get Off the Couch, Stop Smoking Pot and Playing Video Games Before You’re 30?” Done and done. So guys, before you’re 30, please quit:
- Bragging about how “commitmentphobic” you are.
- Thinking that because you have a good and stable job, you can get away with saying stuff on a first date like, “I smoke a LOT of pot!” And repeating that 10 times.
- Smoking a lot of pot.
- Pointing at a cute baby and slyly remarking, “Your biological clock is ticking.”
- Taking a packet of coke out of your windbreaker on a first date, just to show us how cool you are. Not cool. We’re not impressed.
- Discussing your innermost desire to be a “public intellectual.”
- Catcalling women on the street, or loudly judging them if they are carrying McDonald’s home for dinner.
- Taking us out to the theater, then escorting us outside the theater after the show to attend an “after-party” back inside.
- Ordering sardines at a tapas restaurant on the first date — and a pitcher of white sangria for one to wash it all down.
- Growing out your grizzly-man beard so it’s even bushier.
- Living at home with your parents.
- Pining after Zooey Deschanel, Natalie Portman and other various hipster dreamgirls that are unattainable. You’re not Zach Braff, OK?
- Thinking about the One Who Got Away — and sending her text messages at 3 a.m., even though you haven’t seen her in years and you are engaged.
- Playing mind games with women — no one has time for that.
- Spending most of your time playing videogames. You do not live in a videogame.
- Not holding the door open, or not giving up your seat on the bus for a pregnant woman holding a large box.
- Texting instead of calling a woman to ask her out.
- Blind-mass texting women and propositioning the first one who responds.
- Calling women bitches, hos, cougars and c—ts.
- Taking the side of Tiger Woods, Jesse James and other infamous cheaters.
- Boasting about not being close to your family, or not going home for your grandfather’s funeral because he “was 85 anyway.’
- Jumping from job to job.
- Negging us. It doesn’t work. Stop taking advice from Mystery.
- Growing creepy handlebar mustaches, a la Daniel Plainview and registered sex offenders.
- Talking about how much money you have.
- Talking about how much money you don’t have.
- Texting with someone else during a date — or taking a phone call. That’s just rude.
- Wearing clothes that don’t fit.
- Staying out all night at hookah bars with your random friends from Semester at Sea.
- Getting a sharehouse on the Jersey Shore with 20 other strangers, and leaving your girlfriend alone on the weekends so you can party at said sharehouse.