30 Things Every Man Should Quit Doing By Age 30

[Update: This post is old, read more recent news about relationships here!]

We are still peeved by CollegeHumor’s grand plan for a reality TV series called “Married By 30″ that would exploit the desperation of women in their late ’20s to settle down and get married — or else, according to society — they might never have the chance. Oh, the horror! Spinsters, they are!

Anyways, the gals over at the Frisky have a great post on the 30 Things Every Woman Should Quit Doing By Age 30. Inspired — and still pissed off at CollegeHumor — we reversed it to focus on the boys.

How about a reality show called “Get Off the Couch, Stop Smoking Pot and Playing Video Games Before You’re 30?” Done and done. So guys, before you’re 30, please quit:

  1. Bragging about how “commitmentphobic” you are.
  2. Thinking that because you have a good and stable job, you can get away with saying stuff on a first date like, “I smoke a LOT of pot!” And repeating that 10 times.
  3. Smoking a lot of pot.
  4. Pointing at a cute baby and slyly remarking, “Your biological clock is ticking.”
  5. Taking a packet of coke out of your windbreaker on a first date, just to show us how cool you are. Not cool. We’re not impressed.
  6. Discussing your innermost desire to be a “public intellectual.”
  7. Catcalling women on the street, or loudly judging them if they are carrying McDonald’s home for dinner.
  8. Taking us out to the theater, then escorting us outside the theater after the show to attend an “after-party” back inside.
  9. Ordering sardines at a tapas restaurant on the first date — and a pitcher of white sangria for one to wash it all down.
  10. Growing out your grizzly-man beard so it’s even bushier.
  11. Living at home with your parents.
  12. Pining after Zooey Deschanel, Natalie Portman and other various hipster dreamgirls that are unattainable. You’re not Zach Braff, OK?
  13. Thinking about the One Who Got Away — and sending her text messages at 3 a.m., even though you haven’t seen her in years and you are engaged.
  14. Playing mind games with women — no one has time for that.
  15. Spending most of your time playing videogames. You do not live in a videogame.
  16. Not holding the door open, or not giving up your seat on the bus for a pregnant woman holding a large box.
  17. Texting instead of calling a woman to ask her out.
  18. Blind-mass texting women and propositioning the first one who responds.
  19. Calling women bitches, hos, cougars and c—ts.
  20. Taking the side of Tiger Woods, Jesse James and other infamous cheaters.
  21. Boasting about not being close to your family, or not going home for your grandfather’s funeral because he “was 85 anyway.’
  22. Jumping from job to job.
  23. Negging us. It doesn’t work. Stop taking advice from Mystery.
  24. Growing creepy handlebar mustaches, a la Daniel Plainview and registered sex offenders.
  25. Talking about how much money you have.
  26. Talking about how much money you don’t have.
  27. Texting with someone else during a date — or taking a phone call. That’s just rude.
  28. Wearing clothes that don’t fit.
  29. Staying out all night at hookah bars with your random friends from Semester at Sea.
  30. Getting a sharehouse on the Jersey Shore with 20 other strangers, and leaving your girlfriend alone on the weekends so you can party at said sharehouse.
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    • ryan

      To be fair, re: #29, that only happened ONCE.

    • Erin Carlson

      That’s one time too many, playa!

    • p.lane

      1. How are men commitment phobic when women file over 70% of divorces?
      2. Don’t tell me what I can and can’t get away with. I’m not your slave
      3. Who cares if one does? I personally don’t but the “war on drugs” believe it or not will solve nothing in the long run.
      4. Then, women shouldn’t snub these same guys in their late teens and early 20′s. Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it.
      5. Most of you never are anyway. I’m not impressed by you either. I’ll tell you that anyday.
      6. I’m sorry your majesty. Thank you for coming off your throne to talk to me.
      7. Then don’t judge men by how much money they make, or refuse to date someone just because your friends don’t like him. It goes both ways. Or, don’t wear revealing clothes then complain or give guys dirty looks when they hit on you
      8. I’m sorry your highness
      9. I’m sorry your highness
      10. So, they’re acting like men? Big deal! Maybe we should tell you to not shave your legs. How’d you like that?
      11. Who are you to judge? You sound like a snob and I feel for any guy dealing with women like you.
      12. Don’t go after Edward Cullen then. Cause… Obviously he’s a real person.
      13. yeah, and women NEVER do anything like that either. You are sooooooo perfect! You go girl!
      14. It goes both ways
      15. Then be more interesting then the video game! I personally don’t play them..but at least Call of Duty, Grand Theft Auto and Resident Evil give something back to most guys so I don’t blame them.
      16. The world doesn’t owe you something because of your gender. Sorry Princess.
      17. I’m sorry your highness.
      18. Yeah, and women NEVER do that either?
      19. Calling men Dickheads, blowhards, assholes, making fun of his penis size.
      20. Taking the woman’s side in everything because you hate men and yelling “you go grrrl!” and high fiving your friend at a divorce party after she screwed her ex-husband over.
      21. Not everyone gets along with their family, believe it or not. I can’t stand my mother’s side of my family, but I won’t bore you with the details and you won’t care anyway.
      22. Oh yeah because settling down and slaving away at a job he hates to support whining women like you is sooooooo much better! And also, who has lost over a million jobs in this recession? men. Who has gained 20 thousand at the same time? Women. I’m not captain save-a-ho so…you can support yourself.
      23. Negging? You mean nagging? Isn’t that what YOU are known for! HAHA! Give me a break!
      24. I’m sorry your highness
      25. Choosing and judging men for their money
      26. Rejecting and judging men for their lack of money
      27. Yeah, like women NEVER do that either!
      28. I’m sorry your highness
      29. I’m sorry your highness
      30. OK Princess whatever you say.

      • hereforamoment

        You should realize that this is a companion piece to “30 Things Every Woman Should Quit Doing by 30.” No one’s getting on a high horse. No one said women are better than men or that women do none of these things.

        Also, #16 said “Not holding the door open” but did *not* say “not holding the door open *for a woman*.” Holding a door is common courtesy for both genders. Also, it is proper for either gender to give up a bus seat for a woman who is visibly pregnant because it is physically uncomfortable and even painful for a pregnant woman to stand for long periods of time.

      • Gritz

        wow someone wasted time by taking their anger out on a post on the internet with all the wrong reasons lol

      • Lucius

        LoL love this!!!

      • Julie

        Whaaaa~~~

        Da fuc iz RONG with U?

      • Stop Hating

        You are wrong on your criticism of number one. Women file for those divorces because the men cheated on them and are thus it’s the men who are commitment-phobic. You left out that part.

      • Shane

        This isn’t the common reason stated for divorce. The most common reason for divorce “as stated by divorce laywers” is money.

    • p.lane

      23. (edit, misunderstanding) It’s not our fault that you often choose these men who do that anyway so don’t come crying to other men when they screw and leave you ’cause you did it to yourself.

    • paulispaul

      24… look up handlebar mustache.
      Daniel Plainview does not have a handlebar mustache.
      and on the right person, a mustache is great.
      ala my dad.

    • ucity88

      Zach Braff? Really?

      Clearly this should be titled “30 Things Every WHITE Man Should Quit Doing By Age 30.”

    • p.lane

      No, it should be Black Men. Get it right.

    • ToniS

      I can tell a bitch wrote this

    • Whooba

      Why was it not until #11 before there was one that made any sense?

      Hookah bars? Jersey Shore? WTF.

    • Sonnee Wilson

      I hear women call each other and themselves bitches and cougars all the time, so I should be able to join the party.

    • Gezus

      Erin has issssues…

    • Desmond

      I think women should stop complaining about men until they develop better taste in them. More to the point have realistic expectations; if these are common recurring problems women have with men, perhaps it’s that you’re going for some shithead who’s learned to play to the ridiculous double standards that women have because really women are just as shallow as they accuse men of being. Men are human too. We have foibles just like you. Women often either don’t give decent guys a chance because of some superficial and transient flaw(like an unfortunate choice of facial hair, unemployment, or worse under-employment) or don’t know what to do with/how to treat a real man when they meet one. Don’t get me wrong, I love women foibles and all but sometimes the hypocrisy is just staggering.

      • Gritz

        Maybe it’s just you.

    • Jared

      Turning 30 for a man (like me) is SO different than for a woman. I still hang around with 19 year old girls, drinking and talking stupid. What I don’t do anymore is hang around 30+ year old women!

      • Stephani

        EWW. Trust me, we DON’T think you’re hot. We wonder why you don’t have friends your own age and think we’re really not laughing at the old geek, 12 years out of highschool. Like last decade.

      • Julie

        Err No…Just…No. Girls 18-19 / early 20s? We think you’re creepy gross old farts. True story. Not only are we not attracted to physically undesirable guys but not to mention the lack of maturity (who else would go after girls a decade or more younger?) is also a problem.

        Guys look best when they’re young (20-25yrs). Stop deluding yourself you “get better with age” because you were never attractive physically in the first place.

      • johnny

        you’re a good example why men dont go after women who are 25 and up.

      • johnny

        yeah and why so “creepy” you act as if the guy is fucking 60 years old or something wtf?

    • Luciua

      Wow, you have dated A LOT of bad men!! Maybe you should step back and work on yourself so you can stop going after guys like that!

    • Justin

      This article sounds like it was written by a high school park ave. brat. I can think of one thing you should quit. Writing. So bad I had to comment.

    • Shane

      The stigma with “living with your mom or dad” thing has got to go.
      We have immigrants coming to the USA en-masse with a much better chance at staying married than the local USA populace. Some of them own 3 houses & a buisness. How do they manage this? They don’t kick their children out of the house when they are adults. In fact this is a modern western idea that does not bode well in the long run. What you will typically see in hispanic and asian households is 3 families living in one house. This is beneficial for the following reasons. The grandparents are cared for, The adults go to work, while the grandparents watch the children. The adults in turn make sure their parent’s aren’t sent off to an old person’s home. Women can stay home with the children longer before going back to work. Resources are pooled, and mortgages are paid off quickly. Cars are paid off quickly. The family protects each other. investments can be made, and there is little worry about stability. Children will not have to take out an insane amount of debt because mommy and daddy was able to save for their children’s education. This hyper independence thing is not very practical and the idea that “you are not an adult until you have your OWN place” it ridiculous and wastefull.