Ever wonder what guys are really thinking? So do we. So, we asked them. Today’s Crushable Man Panel features three New York guys — Brian, Seth and David — who answered our questions about dating, serious relationships vs. casual relationships, and whether or not they will ever call you on the phone.
What’s your definition of “dating”?
Brian: My definition of dating has radically changed since I moved to New York. I prefer the traditional Maryland definition, which is, I think, having a girlfriend or boyfriend. People in this city don’t seem to feel the same way about that term. So I now feel that dating is taking a person on a series of dates, possibly exclusively, although I don’t think even that is assured. I like to use the word “seeing,” if I’m “seeing” someone if I’m taking them on dates because to me “dating” is too complicated a word. We really need a better vocabulary for this.
Seth: Dating is a word that’s been around since malt shop days in the 50’s and probably back to the days of ancient Egypt. It’s almost antiquated because relationships may have been at one time really simple, and they had a linear progression, but now they can take any number of shapes and ways and go in any number of directions and we’re still using the same vocabulary, the same terminology we used back then. What was once a very specific thing is now an umbrella thing and words like “dating” could mean just about anything to anybody.
David: If I’m spending time with a girl, like taking her out to dinner, that’s a date. Other than that, we’re just talking.
Do you consider yourself more a serious relationship guy or a casual relationship guy?
Brian: Well I have been [a serious relationship guy] for the entirety of my dating life, but like I said, now that I’m in New York I’m having to relearn all of the rules. I think that’s probably how I’m wired but I don’t know for sure.
Do you think that your environment can affect whether you want to be in a casual relationship or a serious relationship?
Brian: There are definitely environmental factors. Even if you want to be exclusive with someone, the odds that they want to be exclusive with you are not as high [in New York] as they are in other places. I’m pretty sure that’s true, so I think that makes it complicated. And I think also in New York you are exposed to so many people that it sets up a different tone, I suppose.
Seth: It has a lot to do with geography. If you’re in a small town and there just isn’t as big of a dating pool, once you find somebody who’s eligible you want to hold on to them, because there’s just not that many people around. But if you’re in a big city where there is a much larger number of potential suitors out there, there is a different kind of pressure.
David: I enjoy having someone who I can “date” during the winter. Because during the winter girls are bundling up and you can’t see all that they can offer. During the summer, all of a sudden girls start to lose clothes and it just becomes so exciting and fun. How can you not talk to 20 different girls?
Do you ever call girls on the phone?
Seth: Sure, of course. I think that when you call someone on the phone you create a totally different almost old school dynamic than when you text message or email. And depending on how well you know them, or what the nature of the communication is, the phone is still a really great way to attach a voice to a face.
David: No. The ratio of text messaging a girl to calling a girl is probably 97,000 to one.
Are you more attracted to girls who are mysterious or approachable?
Brian: I’m not sure there are any women who are not mysterious. Maybe some are more mysterious than others. I think every woman comes across as somewhat mysterious. If they are jumping on you, that’s definitely not as interesting as a woman that requires effort. When women make you want to know more, I think guys are always interested in that.
Seth: I don’t think it’s an either/or thing. I think that somebody can be both mysterious and approachable. From personal experience, mystery doesn’t last that long. Once you know somebody well, the mystery is gone and there has to be something there. So if you’re just talking about initial attraction, there is definitely something attractive about the mysterious girl. But there’s also something attractive about the approachable girl who you feel instantly comfortable with.
If you could ask a woman one question and you knew she was going to be honest, what would you ask?
Seth: I think a lot of females have a really tough time telling guys when they screw up. Then they just let things boil up until they become much bigger deals than they need to be. The world might be a much nicer place for some people if girls — and guys also — were upfront, quicker and blunter with problems, rather than letting them seethe under the surface until they become once small and then large.
David: How many guys have you cheated on personally, and how common is it for your friends to cheat? Because I think they probably do it a lot more often than they admit to.
If you or someone you know wants to be on a future Man Panel, drop us a line at submissions at crushable.com.