“Let Bygones Be Bygones”
Original Air Date: January 14, 2010
This recap is hella late. Please accept this imaginary gift of a seven-carrot diamond necklace. Now, cover up your ass before God sees you! To speed things up, since we are due for a date with the ladies of OC tomorrow night, I thought I’d write a few love notes to them based on some trifling things I saw in the last episode.
Let’s start with you. Despite the fact that Gretchen was very wrong to have her plus one give you parenting advice (for reasons we’ll get to later), you still need to get your head out of your overly exercised and tanned ass and realize what is happening in front of you. First, Gretchen called you and asked permission to talk to Alexa. Second, you should be happy anyone is offering to help you, since you and your husband are clearly in need of a little assistance in more ways than one.
Nice of the producers to stage that whole incident with Ryan and how he just so happened to get a phone call offering him a job when he came to your house to pick up his issues of Maxim. He obviously is still dying to get your attention and that’s why he keep’s pissing off Simon. Is that psychic Vicki hired for the slumber party one of your Ladera Ranch gays? Because his fawning over you was just a little weird.
The fact that you keep going on about your much-needed me time while simulteanously having no job and three nannies will never stop being funny. EVER. To date, we have never been treated to you doing anything except going to the gym, going to lunch, going on vacation, getting Botox, and talking about how Jesus is your homeboy. I guess all those activities are just so time-consuming you are too busy to go grocery shopping, do laundry, and make meals, like an actual stay at home mom. Let’s not forget “staying perfect” for your husband. Why doesn’t he have to keep his body tight for you? Oh, I forgot, seven carrots makes it all worth it.
WE GET IT, YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH DONN ALL OVER AGAIN. ENOUGH ALREADY. It’s clear that you hate these bitches so much because everything you’ve done this season reeks of producer involvement. Slumber party? As if you’d want Lynne in there to steal your silverware. It’s great how the standard you hold Michael up to is whether or not he has hit you up for cash. Also, pro tip: you may want to knock before barging into the room of your 22 year old son’s bedroom. Some things can’t be unseen. And, I hope you gave your gardener a giant tip after TP’ing Jeana’s house. Best moment of the episode: Jeana’s perfect “WTF?”
You, my darling, I leave for last. I don’t know whether or not your intentions with Alexa were genuine. But let’s say they are, I give you props for how you called Lynne out right away after your walk with the dogs, where she was mean to you rather than waiting to blow up at the reunion show. However, asking Slade to get involved? Are you kidding me? His condescending tone at the dinner towards Lynne was uncalled for, and someone who owes $80K in child support and was picked up on an outstanding warrant at YOUR HOUSE is not someone who should be given parenting advice. That’d be like Lindsay Lohan teaching a D.A.R.E class. Or Nicolas Cage teaching financial planning. Don’t do it. Finally, do you think I didn’t see that you had several of those framed fake wedding photos on display in your house? Because I saw them. And now I think you’re even crazier. If you missed it, just check out the thumbnail of the below clip, right behind Lynne, you’ll see the photos!