• Tue, Mar 3 2009

Jennifer Aniston wants to do a James Bond movie, so she eats dog biscuits. Wait, what?

Here’s Jennifer Aniston promoting that doggy movie with Owen Wilson. You’ve seen one Aniston movie, you’ve seen ‘em all.

In an interview with UK Elle, Jennifer Aniston states that for her next movie project, she’d like to do a James Bond sort of film, something with “James Bond. Glamour. Daniel Craig. S**t-loads of fun.” Well, I’d like glittery donuts to start coming out of my elbow on a regular basis, but we all know the likelihood of that happening, now, don’t we.

Plus, seriously, Jen. SERIOUSLY. I think it’s time for someone to sit down with you, gently, and break it to you that hello? You are not a Serious Actress. No, no, no. It’s true. You are the hot girl’s BFF, you are the sad little high school sweetheart ditched for the more interesting glamourpuss, you are becoming a pathetic joke that kinda used to be funny but now is just really awkward and embarrassing.

Case in point. You went to a German talk show to promote your cute little doggy movie. See how perky you are?

(By the way, readers, have you ever noticed how Owen Wilson morphs into whatever leading lady he’s paired with? Look at these two. They’re like twins. Just like with Kate Hudson in that crapfest “Me and Dupree”. It’s a little bit weird. He’s like the human chameleon.)

See how cute you are? Yeah. Cute. You do cute. That’s your thing. CUTE. Even though you’re this close to collecting Social Security, DAMN IT, YOU ARE CUTE. Sqwee!

Two minutes after this picture was taken, you’re knee deep into a freaking dog biscuit after losing a bet. Really, Jennifer, you are making this TOO EASY ON ME. Let’s watch a recap, shall we?

You know, I want to like Jennifer Aniston. I really do. She’s the underdog, and I usually root for the underdog, but something about her just makes me want to change the channel and kick a puppy. Plus, dog biscuits, Jen? THIS is your grand plan to score yourself a role in an action flick and perhaps get to ogle you a little bit of Daniel Craig? This is it, huh? Wow. I’d say that maybe it’s time to stop consulting the magic 8-ball, fire whatever MORON keeps handing you these idiotic scripts, and perhaps consider another career. Quick.

image: Bauer-Griffin

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  • Jacqui

    Wow Wendy. That really was snarky. So, the thing about Jen Aniston is that she is more of a comedic actress, and comedy is actually quite difficult. I tihnk she has decent comic tone and delivery. I think many of the “serious” and over celebrated actresses are less cabable of performing a comedic role than she is.

  • Tim

    Yeah but I don’t want to see that.

  • Tim

    I don’t think comedy is harder that’s a lie meant to appease Jen and her fans.

  • Suse

    Jen’s role as comedic is etched in stone. But the serious actors aren’t seeking out her roles, she is seeking theirs. She has turned into a Angelina-wannabe. Oh..and doesn’t she pick her own scripts? Exactly…

  • Fave

    That was incredibly snarky Wendy!!! As in the best snark I’ve read in a long time on a topic that I totally agree with LOL. I laughed so hard I cried a bit. The coughing fit got me back under control!! lol. You really nailed perky Jen that’s for sure! Talk about throwing a dog a bone!! lol Quote “You’ve seen one Aniston movie, you’ve seen ‘em all.” You ever notice that it’s same with any pics of her? She always has the same expression on her face, like it’s frozen there. Maybe a milkbone side effect!!!

  • Mesa

    That must be a joke. She is so stiff and bland. No-no bond.

  • Ellemee Denely

    The above article is very shallow, in my opinion, that its writer sees Jennifer in that light. I strongly believe that “shallow” thinkers will not see the depth behind a pretty-faced talented beautiful Jennifer who hit the celebrity much-loved mark through a TOP sitcom, no other than “Friends” which thrilled many, many people!

    One thing for sure, Jen has a huge following of fans, journalists, and not-necessarily fans who believe that Jen is BEAUTIFUL and TALENTED. She has the type of beauty and personality that need not project that “seductive” look; yet she appeals to many people.

    Jennifer is an OUTSTANDING ACTRESS — her “Friends” role and her ensuing movie roles were all convincing. I strongly believe that she can easily switch from one role to another if given the chance. Just look at the effect she had in the movie “Derailed” — a known pretty-faced comedian to a deceiving cohort of the story’s baddy? Very convincing and compelling.

    Yes, I’d love to see JENNIFER ANISTON as the next Bond girl! Her big attraction to people will add greatness to any “Bond” move.

    Her type of beauty will be a fresh look for any Bond masterpiece! Through her “Derailed” movie, I saw she has that dramatic talent. Plus she is fit, a great figure, which will be a great weapon for action.

    As evidenced by the success of her movies, especially “The Break Up” and “Marley & Me” and the big sales of magazines that bear her photo on the cover and her huge fan-following and her beauty and talents, she has all the attributes that will contribute greatly to the huge success of a Bond movie.

    I can’t wait to see her as the next Bond-girl together with DANIEL CRAIG.

    And why are there detractors to Jen’s probable success? Because she has become such a huge star! A phenomenon! Many stars are unfairly attacked by certain people.

    Jennifer is uniquely beautiful, talented — a type of talent that is flexible into different types of roles. Fortunately or unfortunately, her many fans do not bother to respond to such nasty articles such as yours, but their presence is very obvious in the many fan-sites that are dedicated to Jennifer and her career.