The Morning Snarky Dispatch, February 12, 2008

Good morning, kids! How are you this fine day. I’ve got a cat on my legs, one on my shoulder, and one eyeing my lap, so if I start typing weird stuff, you’ll know why. Let’s get straight to the gossip this morning. First, Beyonce somehow got a hold of some shiny green panties for the Grammy Awards:

Beyonce Camel Toe Alert!

beyonce-camel-toe.pngIt’s like the power of Beyonce Crotch just took over your eyeballs, isn’t it. You just can’t look away….I’m thinking it’s got some kind of hypnotic power, like Kentucky Fried Chicken. It’s like even thought you KNOW there’s probably rat parts in there, you still can’t stop yourself. – source

Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johannson in “The Other Boleyn Girl”

Next, I can’t even TELL you how excited I am about a new movie coming out the end of this month called “The Other Boelyn Sister”, based on the book by Phillippa Gregory. If you haven’t read it, I suggest you do. The cover makes it look like a bosom ripper, but I assure you it’s not. The movie version is starring Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johannsson, and in these pictures below, I’m kind of embarrassed for Miss Scarlett. She. Looks. Terrible.

I mean, I know that they didn’t wear makeup in the 1500′s, but DAMN. – source

Next, we have a little bit of a Separated at Birth mystery:

Is Clay Aiken related to Tilda Swinton?


For reals, yall. If you don’t know, Tilda was the White Witch in the Chronicles of Narnia movie; she plays a lot of indie parts. They look completely alike, don’t they? Next, Nicholas Cage is suing Kathleen Turner for accusing him of dognapping. I know, crazy.

Nicholas Cage is Suing Kathleen Turner

nicholas_cage.pngApparently, Nick is not too happy about crazy old biddy Kathleen Turner accusing him of stealing various animals while they were on set together for “Peggy Sue Got Married”, one of the crappiest movies ever created. Personally, I should he would be suing whoever convinced him that movie was a good idea.

Speaking of sue, Mel Gibson is getting sued for his gorefest “The Passion of the Christ”.

Mel Gibson in Legal Trouble?

sober.pngSeems like the guy who actually WROTE the script for the movie thought he would be getting a substantial amount more than he actually did, and now’s he suing for more money. I’m confused though – isn’t this story based on the Bible? Like, scene for scene? I don’t get what he’s crying about. If anyone should get more money it should be Jesus for having to put up with this piece of crap being done in his name – I’m sure he’d never stop throwing up if he actually had to sit through it.

Anyway, on to Jack Nicholson, who has revealed his number one pickup line for the ladies.

Jack Nicholson is still a Ladies’ Man

rollingstone.pngWhat’s Jack’s secret, other than a pocket full of cash? Oh, you would be surprised:

Jack told Heart FM DJ Harriet Scott: “You walk up to someone you like and you’re feeling relaxed, they think, ‘Oh, here comes the shark’ and you say to them, ‘When did you get pregnant?’

“You will have somebody off balance after that particular line.”


Uh, okay, Jack. Personally, I think that makes you sound like a GIANT ASSHAT, but that’s just me. Speaking of weird celebrity sexual-related stuff, Dolly Parton has revealed the names of her boobies. Yes, she has named her boobs – hasn’t everyone? Come on, fess up.

Dolly Parton Loves Her Breasts

dolly.pngSo we all know that Dolly has large breasts. Let’s just get that out of the way. However, what I did NOT realize is that she has named them drumroll please SHOCK AND AWE. I was rooting for Pointy and Perky, but hers will do fine. – source

Next, Gwen Stefani is really showing a baby bump now:

Gwen Stefani is Showing!


Isn’t she cute? Kingston is going to be a great big brother. – source

Last this morning, let’s have a look at Christina Aguilera’s HUGE BOOBIES. Yes, that seems to be a bit of a theme with me today.

Christina Aguilera’s Chest

I’m guessing she is breastfeeding, from the size of those puppies.


She looks great, other than the crazy clown makeup. – source

Till this afternoon, I’ll leave you with Beyonce and Tina Turner performing “Proud Mary” at the Grammy Awards:

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